D&D Humor

[New Hegdeh]

The Gazebo

• A true story of a DM and a paladin during a game of AD&D.
  • DM: You see a well-groomed garden. In the middle, on a small hill, you see a gazebo.
    Paladin: A gazebo? What color is it?
    DM: (Pause) It's white.
    Paladin: How far away is it?
    DM: About 50 yards.
    Paladin: How big is it?
    DM: (Pause) It's about 30 feet across, 15 feet high, with a pointed top.
    Paladin: I use my sword to detect whether it's good.
    DM: It's not good. It's a gazebo!
    Paladin: (Pause) I call out to it.
    DM: It won't answer. It's a gazebo!
    Paladin: (Pause) I sheathe my sword and draw my bow and arrows. Does it respond in any way?
    DM: No. It's a gazebo!
    Paladin: I shoot it with my bow (rolls to hit). What happened?
    DM: There is now a gazebo with an arrow sticking out of it.
    Paladin: (Pause) Wasn't it wounded?
    DM: Of course not! It's a gazebo!
    Paladin: (Whimper) But that was a plus-three arrow!
    DM: It's a gazebo, a gazebo! If you really want to try to destroy it, you could try to chop it with an axe, I suppose, or you could try to burn it, but I don't know why anybody would even try. It's a @#%$*& gazebo!
    Paladin: (Long pause - he has no axe or fire spells) I run away.
    DM: (Thoroughly frustrated) It's too late. You've awakened the gazebo, and it catches you and eats you.
    Player of dead Paladin: (Reaching for his dice) Maybe I'll roll up a fire-using mage so I can avenge my paladin...
  At this point, the increasingly amused fellow party members restored a modicum of order by explaining what a gazebo is.

To be fair the DM should have explained what a gazebo is when the paladin player asked to detect whether it's good or not. The DM was cruel with his player's ignorance.

[Lukafio]

To be fair the DM should have explained what a gazebo is when the paladin player asked to detect whether it's good or not. The DM was cruel with his player's ignorance.

This came out of the humor archives. The story is decades old from a time when some of the monsters had rather interesting names. We also do not know the age ranges involved at that time.

Bottom line, it is a reflection of what can happen to any of us at anytime. Enjoy the silver lining, the player brought a lil harmless chuckle to his group.

[New Hegdeh]

To be fair the DM should have explained what a gazebo is when the paladin player asked to detect whether it's good or not. The DM was cruel with his player's ignorance.

This came out of the humor archives. The story is decades old from a time when some of the monsters had rather interesting names. We also do not know the age ranges involved at that time.

Bottom line, it is a reflection of what can happen to any of us at anytime. Enjoy the silver lining, the player brought a lil harmless chuckle to his group.

I feel sorry for the paladin-eating gazebo's snack.

[Lukafio]

A new Cleric rose from his bed one morning. It was a fine spring day in his new parish. He walked to the window of his bedroom to get a deep breath of the beautiful day outside. He then noticed there was a jackass lying dead just outside of it. He promptly walked to the nearest city guard post. The conversation went like this:

“Good morning, sir. How might I help you?” said the Guardsman on duty.
“And the best of the day to yerself. I'm the new Cleric from the Temple of Four Petals. There’s a jackass lying dead in front of me window and would ye be so kind as to send a couple of’yer lads to take care of the matter?”

The Guardsman, considering himself to be quite a wit and recognizing the foreign accent, thought he would have a little fun, replied, “Well now Cleric, it was always my impression that you people took care of the last rites!” There was dead silence for a long moment then the Cleric replied, “Aye, ’tis certainly true, but we are also obliged to notify the next of kin first, which is the reason for me to see you.”

[New Hegdeh]

hahaha, the humour isn't lost in translation.

[Lukafio]

The old Mystara Message Boards closed in the late 1990's. Other sites popped up and became an archive refuge of sorts. Bruce Heard (of TSR) was part of that effort. This is one of those stories he saved.

• We're Sick And Tired Of Raising Your Young
  by Grey Claw Wolf
  
  Listen, humans, I am really starting to get tired of this heap of dung. Get your act together and learn to keep better track of your young, because we wolves are seriously sick of raising them.
  
  I was roaming the forest the other day, just marking my territory, when what do I come across? That's right, a human infant. Boy, was I [bleep]ed. I'm sure the poor little waif was orphaned in a crash or something, and, of course, I was supposed to take it into my pack and raise it like one of our own. Well, [bleep] that: We've got enough humans to raise already.
  
  We wolves have our own offspring to rear, you know. It's not like we're just sitting around all day, waiting for another one of your little twerps to fall off a skyship. Do you think that after a hard day of hunting, I want to come back to the cave and look after some hairless, wormy thing that isn't even going to pass on my genetic information? Do I look like a bloody nanny?
  
  If it were just a flying carpet crash survivor every now and again, I could deal with it. But when you figure in the white-water-rafting disasters, the mountain-climbing accidents, and the attacking bears that kill the parents but spare the children, those orphaned infants really start to add up. I'm working my paws to the bone as it is.
  
  And it wouldn't be nearly so bad if your babies weren't so helpless. Our pups are weaned and out of the den within nine weeks. A human child can't even walk until it reaches 15 months. Fifteen months! Talk about pathetic: By that age, our young are having kids of their own.
  
  I'm sorry if I sound bitter, but I have to speak up, or the situation will only get worse. I'm the alpha female of a pretty good-sized pack, and it's hard enough finding, eating and regurgitating food for my own pups, much less a bunch of human children. I do my best to make ends meet, but your young are so picky it's next to impossible. They'll eat the partially digested berries I bring them, but they refuse to swallow the chipmunk meat I vomit into their mouths. If I injure a squirrel and put it in front of one of your young, the baby just lies there and wails at the top of its lungs for hours!
  
  Then there's the problem of basic hygiene. Haven't you ever heard of licking yourself clean after you defecate? How revolting. Our offspring instinctively know to wash themselves from the moment they're born. Then again, there are a lot of things our offspring instinctively know.
  
  I know what you're thinking--we shouldn't drag your infants back to the den in the first place, if all we're going to do is [bleep]ch about it, right? After all, we could just send them out to start their own pack when winter approaches. To tell you the truth, we have driven a few of the more annoying ones out, but we always feel so guilty when we find their half-eaten carcasses a few days later. After the fifth or sixth time, it's hard to act like you didn't know it would happen.
  
  Worst of all, in that rare instance when you do come to retrieve your missing kid, we don't get so much as a thank you. No, you just grab him and race back to "civilisation" as fast as possible, so he can unlearn everything we taught him about marking his territory and stalking prey. No wonder wolves have been known occasionally to attack humans--you're a bunch of ungrateful [blankety-blank].
  
  So the next time you lose one of your darn kids in the woods, you can forget about us raising it, because it ain't happening. Let the bloody elk do it!

[Lukafio]

Encounters.jpg (98.11 KiB) Viewed 3508 times

[Lukafio]

Gotta be careful not to crit fail your rolls.

Toon - Dice Playing.jpg (73.27 KiB) Viewed 3234 times

[Lukafio]

I'm posting this with a heavy heart
As much as I love my decades old Dungeons and Dragons addiction, it takes up too much of my time and I am struggling to keep up with some of the everyday basics, such as maintaining my home & yard, so somethings have to go. I will be re-homing most of my stuff.
Please don't ask any questions, as I can't handle talking about it.
Below is a list of what's available.
Everything is FREE of charge, but to good homes only.
Serious inquiries can only PM me directly, please.
1. Paint & paint brushes
2. Hedge clippers
3. Wheel barrel
4. Chain saw
5. Tree saw
6. Rakes
7. Hoses
8. Shovels
9. Brooms
10. Dust pan
11. Weed Killer
12. Hand clippers
13. Potted plants

Thanks for reading and understanding!